Ever wondered how to get over past trauma? Letting go and healing from traumatic events that happen in our lives is no walk in the park – but also a journey that we must all face at least once in our lives.
The consequences of not allowing yourself to let go will only result in having your past permanently holding you hostage – ruining all chances of moving on from whatever happened and living a happier and more fulfilling life.
I came across this story of two monks the other day that really put things into perspective for me:
Two monks were making a pilgrimage to venerate the relics of a great Saint. During the course of their journey, they came to a river where they met a beautiful young woman — an apparently worldly creature, dressed in expensive finery and with her hair done up in the latest fashion. She was afraid of the current and afraid of ruining her lovely clothing, so asked the brothers if they might carry her across the river.
Source: FishEaters.com
The younger and more exacting of the brothers was offended at the very idea and turned away with an attitude of disgust. The older brother didn’t hesitate, and quickly picked the womanup on his shoulders, carried her across the river, and set her down on the other side. She thanked him and went on her way, and the brother waded back through the waters.
The monks resumed their walk, the older one in perfect equanimity and enjoying the beautiful countryside, while the younger one grew more and more brooding and distracted, so much so that he could keep his silence no longer and suddenly burst out, “Brother, we are taught to avoid contact with women, and there you were, not just touching a woman, but carrying her on your shoulders!”
The older monk looked at the younger with a loving, pitiful smile and said, “Brother, I set her down on the other side of the river; you are still carrying her.”
As we get older, we develop coping mechanisms in order to properly deal with situations that happen to us – both good and bad. Sure, seeking professional help could be one way of coping. If you like the idea of handing over hundreds of dollars an hour for a psychologist that’ll probably end up writing a prescription for an antidepressant that’s ok too, some people really need it. Regardless, letting go of your past will be an incremental part of personal development and is a critical part of the journey to becoming the best version of yourself.
Trauma that’s not been dealt with is like allowing poison to creep into all aspects of your daily life. It affects everything around us – from our relationship to ourselves outward to our relationships with others. If the process is delayed for months and even years after the incident happened, it could even have longlasting effects on physical health.
I’ve searched far and wide for how to get over past trauma, so the following post is my best attempt at sharing a practical way of how to let go. Know that letting go is a process that you take day by day – It’s ok to not have everything figured out, just start with today.
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Allow yourself to feel
As a society we’re more alienated than ever – mental health is not openly talked about and a tendency to not share our feelings with others is more common than you would think. We have this “sweep it under the rug and call it a day” mentality, and feel the need to only show our best faces to the world. You’re not being true to yourself when you do this.
By allowing this avoidant behavior to continue, we don’t give ourselves the space to identify and process our emotions. We try to cover them up or engage in activities that mask our feelings (Destructive behaviors such as sex, alcohol, drugs, and other forms of escapism). Feelings that inevitably get pushed deeper into our psyche and end up coming back when we least expect it.
In the past I was guilty of wallowing in this feeling of nostalgia, tenderly reminiscing on past experiences – even the negative ones – almost to a masochistic degree. Grasping onto toxic emotions such as anger, hate, regret, envy, and disappointment like it was a warm and cozy security blanket. I kept on re-opening deep wounds in order to feel something – anything. Addicted to the rush of emotions I felt, I used the problems and conditions in my life to reaffirm my own limitations. Not one of these emotions was justified, nor did they have a place in that present moment, but I still held onto them as if they were fuel. I’ve realized as I’ve gotten older that this behavior isn’t healthy and it’s not really how one should go through life.
The process of learning how to get over past trauma is full of baby steps that are at times painful to take. Start with this meditation by Leo from Actualize.org. Take a couple of minutes and focus on your breathing. Dive into these thoughts that have been bothering you and don’t try to resist them.
Give yourself permission to feel without judgment. The meditation starts at minute 6:21
If you’ve watched the video, you should be more in touch with the present moment. Understand that the past only exists because you’ve been bringing it back up.
The now is real – everything else is a habitual construct, a fictitious narrative that you’ve been holding onto. It has been made worse by revisiting old memories in your mind, developing them into something that they aren’t.
The negative consequences of holding onto things
Carrying on old negativity takes a toll on our mental, emotional and physical health. Listen to the following interview with Tom Bilyeu and Joe Dispenza.
Dispenza was told he would not walk again after a debilitating accident where he got hit by a truck on the last leg of a triathlon. Despite recommendations made to him by multiple surgeons, he decided against spinal surgery because he believed that he could cure himself with his thoughts alone. He created this alternate reality where he envisioned himself getting better, and sure enough, within 10 and a half weeks he was back on his feet. I understand if you think this is some modern spirituality woo woo bullsh*t, but Dispensa backs his theories with research from neuroscience, epigenetics, and quantum physics.
He has since published a series of best-selling books: You Are the Placebo and Becoming Supernatural: How Common People Are Doing The Unnatural.
For those of you that don’t have 30 minutes to listen to the interview here’s a summary:
A habit is a redundant set of automatic and unconscious thoughts, behaviors, and emotions acquired through repetition. A program that your body automatically defaults to – a subconscious set of behaviors outside the awareness of your mind.
You have so far trained your body to wake up in the morning and throw itself into a state of stress by thinking about your problems. This is called an emotional reaction.
When you allow the emotional reaction to consist for a matter of days it becomes a mood. Allow the same emotional response to last weeks or months it becomes temperament. If you keep it going for years on end, it’s called a personality trait. Learning how to shorten that emotional reaction is really where the work starts. Because when you don’t what you’re actually doing is allowing your past trauma to condition your body into a subconscious state of fear.
Forgive
The truth
Steve Maraboliis, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.
Forgiveness is giving up the past, giving up the hope that the past could be any different.
A huge lesson you will experience when learning how to get over past trauma is after you’ve learned to forgive those that have hurt you.
If it’s a person that you lost, bless them for making you stronger and for showing you exactly what you don’t want in life. You can be grateful for all the lessons that they taught you. Know in your heart that if they knew better they would do better. It’s detrimental to hold onto someone just because you think the ‘connection’ will bring the person back. I’ve seen people absolutely obsessing over this idea, and it’s never healthy.
Most people get caught up in blaming – sabotaging themselves long after the person is gone from their life. A lot of the time, we’re beating ourselves up for issues that we think we have when in fact the problem is with the other person.
Practice opening up and really connecting with people
If you’re not accustomed to opening your heart to people, start small. Start with one thing that you’re feeling that you’re tempted to keep inside and share it with someone close.
Opening up to others is a way to feel more connected with them and in turn, that person will feel more connected to you. Through honest connections, you forge genuine relationships with others. You never know what people are going through and perhaps what you have learned from a situation could greatly impact someone else’s life in a positive way.
As psychotherapist Barton Goldsmith once wrote, “When you open your mouth, you’re also opening your heart. And knowing that someone truly hears what you are feeling and understands you is soothing to the soul.”
Perhaps the person could pass judgment on you – understand that their judgment is a reflection of the lack of work they have done on themselves and that it has nothing to do with you. Sadly not everyone will be part of your path in life and you have to learn to be alright with that. At least you can quickly find out who’s willing to receive what you have to say with an open heart.
Focus on the good
If you get the inside right, the outside will fall into place
Eckhart Tolle
The fact is, you’ve probably started to heal from the event that traumatized you. You’ve probably learned how to get over past trauma & the reason behind why you allowed those things to happen in the first place.
You’ve acknowledged bad habits and started to replace them with better ones. You’ve done this by rewriting goals, developing a solid routine, and by hanging out with positive like-minded people that feel like sunshine.
The best way to predict the future is to create it. You can’t sit around and wait for something to change outside of us that’s a victim mentality. You have to teach your body emotionally what the future to feels like because you can’t wait for your success to feel empowered. You can’t wait for your wealth to feel abundant, and you can’t wait for a new relationship to feel whole.
Four things to remember:
- Don’t take things personally
- Don’t care about what anybody else thinks.
- Let go of trying to be something you’re not
- Let go of the need to be perfect
Conclusion
Did you know that a typical plane flies off course 95% of the time? It’s the pilot’s job to keep correcting over and over until it reaches its destination. This analogy can be applied to our lives. Life is a messy, beautiful thing, and it’s far from perfect but it is a blessing.
I hope this post helped you in understanding how to get over past trauma so you can shift focus on building your future. Let go. Move forward, and never, ever look back
Have a beautiful day!
Did this help you learn about how to get over past trauma? Leave a comment below or better yet, share this on social media you never know what someone is going through, you might be a positive change in someone’s life today.
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I surely needed this article as much as I thought when I saw it pop up. Thank you you for sharing your thoughts on this 💕
So happy this article resonated with you 🙂 Remember that we’re all a “work in progress” Keep on shining! xoxo
Wow this article really hit home for me. I just recently divorced my boyfriend…. our relationship was super toxic and it’s been tough trying to shake him off. One thing I’d like to add is the “no contact rule.” This has helped me a lot in terms of getting over him… Thank you this is just what I needed to read today
Breakups are the toughest! Stay tuned I’ll post more self-care & relationship articles in the near future. So happy to hear that my words were able to lift your spirits!
xoxo
I just want to say thank you. This was so helpful. I’ll add your blog to my reading list – new fav 😍
Thanks for visiting!
Thank you. This is very helpful for me. I’m currently going through a divorce from my wife of twenty years. She’s asking for the divorce and blaming it all on things I’ve done in the past. It’s sure hard for me to move on and not keep beating myself up everyday. I guess I’ll be starting a new life pretty soon. Thanks again
Yikes!!!! I’m so sorry to hear that Jeremy… it’s perfectly normal to feel feelings of loss and grief after something like this happens in life with lovers or with friends. Take some space from the situation have a breather, find out what it’s like to love yourself again and why you love yourself. Focus on growth. If it’s real love no amount of space/time can affect that bond. Trust me, I’ve been through similar shit. Have faith that everything that’s happening in your life is for your biggest benefit. Keep me posted xx