Everyone is influenced by society. There’s really not much we can do about it. Cultural & societal expectations differ depending on how old you are and where you live. Today I wanted to speak on a few societal expectations and how they actually hold you back from living a happy & authentic life.
We like to believe that we are free and autonomous individuals, but the truth is parents, teachers, bosses, social media, politicians, and even religious figures play a huge role in the decisions we make and how we choose to live our lives.
Since birth, we’re force-fed ideas of who we should be & failure to meet these societal expectations may leave you feeling like you’re not successful enough or good enough for those around you.
A big part of your personal development journey will involve looking inward, and in doing so, you will start to create a life for yourself that is aligned with your core values. I haven’t really come across people who’ve become the best version of themselves by following societal norms.
“Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently.”
– Steve Jobs
If you want to piss people off, be yourself. Your inner voice has been whispering in your ears to take more risks, to dare to be crazy, to challenge the status quo, to crush your fears, to stop wasting your life, to stop chasing the masses for a long time.
Showing up unapologetically in this world means ruthlessly standing up for what you believe in every single day. This practice will bring people into your life who align with your core values and principles, and at the same time repel those not aligned with your deeper mission.
Today, I want to convince you to forge your own path, develop a thick skin, be remarkable, be generous, and make a difference. You need to distance yourself from the comfort of the herd and follow your calling, without caring much about what others think of you.
Ultimately, you have to decide which of these societal expectations you’d like to meet. But more importantly, you should focus and understand What your version of happiness and success look like.
The answer is different for everyone.
Here are 11 common societal expectations and why it’s OK to ignore them:
1. “You have to figure life out at an early age”
“Status quo, you know, is Latin for ‘the mess we’re in” — Ronald Reagan
There are a few pivotal ages in our early lives: 18, 22, and 30. What does it mean to live a normal life at these days? The trajectory of “the dream life” is getting good grades, going to college, and then becoming a good employee. In our personal lives, society wants us to have found our significant other in our early 20s and already be contributing a large part of our salaries to paying a mortgage.
Gary Vaynerchuk calls it “The 18, 22, 30 Thesis” and how there’s a lot of pressure put on us at those times. At those ages, society puts so much emphasis on how we define ourselves: in our careers, our experiences, and our accomplishments.
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2. You have to have all of your interests figured out
At 18, you are expected to “know who you are” & “what you want from life.” Which is absurdly ridiculous in my opinion. I know 60-year-olds who have no flipping idea who they are. A friend of mine went back to school at 50 years old to study law and today at 64, was just named as one of the best defense attorneys in Los Angeles. If you’re between the ages of 20-30, don’t feel rushed to make any decisions. Instead, here are my two cents on how to navigate the next couple of years:
- Be open to anything: Don’t let anything define your passion at this point. Use this time as a newly anointed non-minor to explore.
- Be a sponge: You’ll have so much energy over the next few years, so use it to take every opportunity from every single person to absorb knowledge.
3. Now you have to get an internship at a job you will spend the rest of your life in.
After you’ve finished college and are thrust into the scary world of adulting, you may feel like you’re expected to have some sort of plan. A plan which you’ll follow for the rest of your life, one with invisible benchmarks and goals based on societal expectations. The reality for 90% of us is that the time right after college is perfect for trying out multiple different professions, to really see what is the best fit for you. Have ambition but don’t be so hell-bent on remaining in one industry for the rest of your life. Also, be humble enough to know that you’re probably gonna screw things up.
3. Spouse, 2.5 children, & the white picket fence
If you type “ things to do before 30 “ in the Google search bar, you will get over 6 billion suggestions in 0.7 seconds.
Every major publication and blogger has written an article about what they expect you to do at every certain age. Social norms expect you to be living alone by now, married, graduated from college, have children, and have millions of other expectations.
If you have not done everything on their list, they will convince you that you live a subpar life. The reality is that everybody, no matter who they are will feel like they are still complete failures by 30. We compare ourselves to people who’ve done the impossible at our age, and think we’ve fallen short.
Things to keep in mind if you’re pushing 30:
- Self-awareness: While it would be great to have this a long time ago, at this point, it’s essential. It doesn’t mean you need to have everything figured out. It just means you need to know where you’re aiming.
- Growth: And when you know where you’re aiming, you’re expected to want to figure out how to get there. What got you here, won’t get you there, so you need to know how to grow beyond what you’re comfortable with.
- Be easy on yourself: The trick is to remove expectations at this point. Don’t expect to be at a certain place in your career, or your life. Work towards something, but enjoy the journey towards it. When I did that, I realized that I was getting there a lot faster than expected.
It’s ok if you are taking the time to figure out what’s best for you. It’s never too late to start again.
4. “You have to get married’’
Love is a free bird, and in many cases, marriage is its prison.
Another common societal expectation is that we need to get married by 30. To start, it’s important to recognize that you can make a lifetime commitment to someone you love outside the scope of marriage. It’s also important to recognize that marriage isn’t necessarily a lifestyle that fits everyone’s personality. Some people prefer freedom and solitude, others just haven’t figured themselves out yet by 30.
Also, let’s not ignore the fact that about half of all marriages end up in divorce. Take your time to really get to know someone for several years before jumping into a contract with them.
Just because you don’t have children doesn’t mean you can’t have a positive impact on the future of society. You should ONLY have children when you are financially and emotionally secure enough to take care of them.
5. “You have to go to college’’
If you want to pursue a profession in math & sciences, then yes, a degree is absolutely worth it. College can also be a great place to meet people that you can develop life-long relationships with. Connections that might lead to new business & employment opportunities.
But the idea that college is a requirement for a good life is fundamentally false. At least not for many of us in the 21st century.
Many of my friends currently have jobs and careers that have nothing to do with their college degrees. I personally spent four years studying economics and finance, graduating magna cum laude. I’m currently self-employed as a full-time writer and online marketer. Not much of what I learned in college is useful for the work I do today. Was it worth it?
Some of the most productive members of our society – like Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, and Steve Jobs – were all college dropouts because they realized it wasn’t for them. They changed the rules, and they created companies that continue to shape how we live.
For some people, it makes more sense to go to a vocational school, or technical school, or just jump right into the workforce after high school. These societal expectations of attending college after high school are good for those that are clear on their path in life, but if you’re still unsure try an apprenticeship or even travel till you get more clear on your life’s purpose.
6. “You have to earn a lot of money to be successful’’
Can money buy happiness?
In our debt-based economic system, we all need money in order to cover our basic needs and have the time and resources to pursue those things that bring us fulfillment. Many people, however, mistake the accumulation of financial wealth for a successful living. They think that in order for one to be successful, one needs to possess a lot of money. This is inherently false.
A study in 2010 showed that once your income exceeds $75,000 per year, your emotional well-being doesn’t improve much as your income grows. Of course, this doesn’t count for inflation. Another study claims that Globally, satiation occurs at $95,000 for life evaluation and $60,000 to $75,000 for emotional well-being.
Of course, happiness is subjective, so you have to find out exactly how much you need to live a happy life. It’s quite common to overestimate how much money you actually require to achieve your personal goals, so my two cents is to get real on exactly how much $ you need & push towards that.
7. “You have to own a lot of stuff to be happy’’
Ambition is not a desire to accumulate material possessions, and success is not a number you deposit in your bank account. Likewise, an engagement ring should not indicate commitment, and the size of the rock should not symbolize the love shared between two people.
Advertising & the Kardashians of the world want you to believe that driving around a Lamborghini and owning 20 Hermes purses will bring you happiness. These people have fooled us into believing that happiness is to be found in material objects. But no matter how many possessions we have, we still feel thirsty for more, simply because the acquirement of material objects cannot satisfy our emotional needs.
Ultimately, none of what you own will give you long-term contentment or joy.
8. “You have to have a lot of friends”
In news that came as a surprise to her fans, former talk show host and media mogul Oprah Winfrey revealed she only has three close friends. While three close friends might sound small, studies have shown it’s actually about the optimum number for happiness and personal satisfaction in relationships.
Herd mentality is something our ancestors developed in order to protect us and increase our chances of survival. We do not deal with the same challenges that our ancestors dealt with, but some of that old programming remains.
“I used to walk into a room full of people and wonder if they liked me. Now I wonder if I like them.”
Anonymous
A key thing to understand is that the emphasis of your interpersonal relationships should be on quality, not quantity.
Also if you find yourself alone, but you’re creating work that matters, do not worry — have faith that others will eventually join you.
9. “You have to be constantly doing things’’
Toxic Productivity Culture (TPC): A cultural trend defined as an obsession, or addiction, to being productive; results in one’s self-worth is measured by levels of productivity.
This cultural trend pressures you to become obsessed with productivity, prompting you to place your self-worth into your productivity levels. After months of all work and no play, you’re left with a lifestyle that is equal parts exhausting and unsustainable.
You’ve probably heard the saying “self-awareness is key,” thrown around at least once in your life. Well, when trying to avoid toxic productivity, this little mantra is something you should stick to. If you can make a daily habit of checking in with your thoughts, emotions, and intentions, you’d be shocked by how your life is impacted.
10. “You have to be happy all of the time’’
It is quite alright to not feel 100% all of the time. Life is messy, uncertain, and confusing. Life often leaves us with many more questions than answers. No one’s got It all figured out & we are all going through something.
I’ve lost a few good friends to suicide or overdose. Every single one of these deaths was shocking to me because it happened to the people I least expected it from. Every year, we lose millions of others to mental illness, and the hard thing about this fact is this: if you ask people who are close to depressed people, they would say, “I did not know he or she was depressed.”
Robin Williams made all of us laugh; Marilyn Monroe seduced the nation; Kate Spade founded one of the most recognized fashion brands in the world; Anthony Bourdain introduced us to global cuisines and culture. Still, their passings are a dark reminder that depression and suicide are shockingly common, both in America and in the world, and remain underdiagnosed and under-treated.
Don’t be afraid to be open and vulnerable with the people in your life about what you’re going through. If you’re reading this and you are going through a tough time right now, please go share your feelings with a loved one. Or if you don’t know who to talk to, feel free to message me, my inbox is always open 💕
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11. “You have to say yes and be agreeable’’
“When you say yes to others, make sure you are not saying no to yourself.” — Paulo Coelho
Saying no isn’t easy. Whatever the request, and whether it’s from a friend, family member, or professional contact, saying no can make you feel guilt and resentment. However, learning how to say no is a critical step to setting healthy boundaries and protecting your mental health.
Establish your boundaries, define your emotional and mental space, and not let people cross these boundaries. These boundaries are critical to your success in life.
12. “You have think to this way because your family & friends expect you to”
There is always someone who is going to disagree with us on politics or religion — someone who has radically different ethical standards, or who has many opinionated and unwelcome beliefs about how we spend our money, the life choices that we make, or how we parent our kids.
Be aware of the fact that if you blindly accept societal expectations without questioning whether or not they apply to you will lead you to live a completely miserable life pretending to be someone you’re not.
Here’s how to establish boundaries with family members:
- Make an effort to listen
- Have difficult conversations in person
- Have a sense of humor about it all
- Be honest about your feelings
- Agree to disagree
- Keep certain topics on lockdown
- Separate your relationship from the disagreement
13. Stop expecting all men to be tough.
Added this one at the last minute because well, it’s necessary. I really think that toxic masculinity should be talked about more often.
From what I noticed on tv and from my guy friends, is that there seems to be this constant pressure for men to be tough. Many men nowadays actually think that sharing (&/or) having emotions is a sign of weakness. This rigid construct of how “tough” men are supposed to behave leaves many men feeling trapped. In this context, tough means being thick-skinned, suppressing feelings, being a critic yet not seemingly able to receive criticism in return, remaining silent in negative situations, micro-aggressions towards females, or calling one another ‘simps’ for being actually kind and considerate towards members of the opposite sex.
Let’s get offended.
I do not doubt that my list will offend some people.
Society is changing, and we are systematically programmed to get offended by everything. We’re getting mad at Gillette commercials, political correctness, immigration, reproductive rights, artificial intelligence, stem cell research, globalization, Facebook privacy policies, global warming, Kim Kardashian’s wedding, etc.
Epictetus once stated, “If someone succeeds in provoking you, realize that your mind is complicit in the provocation.” We need to stop being offended by everything. We do not choose what other people do or say, but we can choose how to respond.
Final thoughts on societal expectations
To rebel against others is a difficult thing to do, but absolutely necessary in order to forge your own path in life.
Therefore, if you want to make positive personal and social change, you need to choose which of these work for you and dismiss those that don’t. Gather the courage in your heart to say a big no to fulfilling society’s expectations, no matter the obstacles you might encounter along your journey.
Society is ultimately nothing but our own creation — a manifestation of our collective mind. Society, therefore, can be changed at any moment we decide that it should be changed, but before we are able to do so, we need to continue pushing the envelope.
Do you resonate with any of the points in this list? Are there any societal expectations you find pointless and wish to get rid of? If so, sound off in the comments, I’d love to hear your opinions.
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